Day 41: Fatigue, pain, misery and fear (Thursday 8 December)

Two good days and one almighty shit of a day. That’s the rollercoaster ride of my life.

I awoke sometime in the early hours with pain in the right flank. I decided to ride it out and skip taking any drugs. By get-up time things had not improved. I stumbled to breakfast feeling bloated and inflamed, in pain and generally feeling miserable. I didn’t want to speak. In fact, I barely spoke all day.

Today was a day of fatigue, pain, misery and fear.

SPDT was very onerous. Afterwards, I returned to my room and slept through for four hours or so while I was on the drip. I was woken up to go to HiFU and reluctantly made my way down to the treatment room in the basement. There were tears. It was just a bad, shitty day.

The only upside of the day was that it finished relatively early. We came back to the hotel and settled in. There was no way I was leaving the room to go out in the cold for anything so Brad was on take-away duty again. Mum bought a bunch of fruit from the market so we had that to munch on too.

After some food there were more tears. Lots and lots of them. I couldn’t stop thinking about what would happen to me if the scan reveals that the treatment isn’t working. Where would I go? What would or could I try next? How much time would I have to live? I made Mum cry. Then Dad rang, and I got him crying too. I think the barrage of bad thoughts was kicked off by two bad dreams that I had, one last night and one during my afternoon nap.

I just don’t want to die now.


One Response to Day 41: Fatigue, pain, misery and fear (Thursday 8 December)

  1. Amanda B says:

    Still plenty left for you to do here chick. No time for sombre thoughts. Just continue using the same steely determination and courage that we all know stands for Jaye Radisich and somehow you will find your way out of it. I am feeling positive, the pain stems from tumour necrosis and the only better pain than that is child birth! xxx

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